Tom Morris, “Helping Teens Deal with Death and Grief,” CYS.

OVERVIEW

I was spared any direct experience with funerals until I was twenty-three years old. Yes, there had been deaths in our family. My maternal grandfather and within months my grandmother died when I was eight, but they lived far away. My mother went back for one of the two funerals. I had neighbors and friends who died but attending their funerals never crossed my mind. Looking back, I know my parents were trying to protect me from death. Out of sight, out of mind was the prevailing attitude of the age. Even when my father’s mother died I was unaware of the funeral.

Finally, during seminary, while serving as a student assistant pastor, I attended and conducted my first funeral. Since then, I have lost many family members and friends through the years. I have come to understand much better what it means “to be acquainted with grief.” Unexpectedly, I lost a friend in the ministry to AIDS, which was a terrible loss and shock in 1994. I realize that I may have been a “late starter” in dealing with death, but like almost every person, as I have gotten older, my awareness of death has grown. Sooner or later, death gets our attention.

Years ago, a good friend asked me to speak to his health classes on Death and Dying, after his own parents had recently died. He admitted that though the subject of death was part of the curriculum, he simply couldn’t imagine handling the discussion. Being too painful, he had avoided the subject of death. I told him, "Yes, I would speak to his class," and called a funeral home to borrow a casket—a prop for the front of the room to help set the stage. I spoke for 45 minutes about death. For most students it was their first extended discussion of the subject. They had never discussed it at home. As they talked about death, their unresolved issues about mortality and grief came to the surface. This book is the result of that invitation to speak and the needs it uncovered.

I started facilitating grief groups in the spring of the 1997-98 schoolyear. Since then, we have held two to four groups each year. This book contains what I have learned through my experience within these teen groups. I have also completed a Doctoral program at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School in Deerfield, Illinois. While at Trinity, I was encouraged in my ministry to teens, which I have named, Grieving Teens™.

It has brought richness and meaning in my life to witness young people, broken in grief, hurting, and expressing bitterness, recover and grow to be stronger people with the help of God’s grace. I’m proud of them. Giving them the right tools, insights, and time, they have grown through grief. The point is for them to find the Resurrection and the Life. I pray this will be true for you.

Life always includes its share of losses and good-byes. Coping and growing in and through change and loss is part of the process of life here on earth. I have found that the God of all comfort will comfort you if you ask His help and comfort.

Out of my experience has come a text for dealing with teenage grief from death and loss. Growing Through Grief is meant to be a guide to you on your journey through life and death. The guide begins with the ten practical steps you can take in response to grief and loss. Many will not be easy. But they will get you moving in the right direction. Remember there is absolutely nothing you are going through that God doesn’t know about. Remember that God knows you. And remember He wants you to know Him. I pray that you will trust the Author of Life with your life.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. What have been your most wrenching, and most recent, dealings with death? Have you experienced any other kind of difficult loss?

2. How have you dealt with grief?

3. What was your reaction to the article above? What comments, criticisms, or questions do you have?

4. Do you think there should be some place in school curricula for dealing with death, loss and grief? Should all youth ministries deal with these?

5. How do discussions of death lead to issues such as the meaning of life and of faith?

IMPLICATIONS

1. The writer of this article found a real vaccum in youth ministry regarding discussions of death and grief.

2. The best human comfort for grief comes from friends. Too often they don’t know how to respond.

3. Given that the best comfort at the time of death and loss is empathetic presence rather than words, arguments or clichés, instruction about death and about the grieving process is helpful for all friends and relatives.

Tom Morris cCYS